OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
