Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I did not marry a roomba.
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