Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize