That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize