moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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