Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize