I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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