i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
