I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
