If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
