You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
