If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
