your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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