I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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