did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
is that a dick in a sweater?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
