I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
