No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
