Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize