I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
