If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
