I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
