K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
