How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
