Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
