WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
