oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
