today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I need water and some morals
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
