why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
