She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
