well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
