I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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