I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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