She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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