Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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