there's paper in my vomit.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
