Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
