You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
NoShamevember. You game?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize