I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
