We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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