I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize