4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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