I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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