you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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