I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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