I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
