What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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