My hand turned me down
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize