First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
