im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If I die, sorry about rent.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
