just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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