We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It's blow job season.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
