WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
