My first STD was from a foam party
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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