I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
