My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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